my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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