you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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