I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
