he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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