Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
