Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
