i don't like sucking hair
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
