Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
