How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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