You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
