I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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