I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
