forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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