I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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