well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
