he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
