Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
