i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
