I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
