my mouth tastes like poor choices
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
