I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
