I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
