god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
