I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
