I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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