my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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