I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
