Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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