It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
