where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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