guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
