i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
