Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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