Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
