my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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