I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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