It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
