Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
