Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
we made out on top of his cat.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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