i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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