The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He better not be in your backpack
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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