WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
