So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
