I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
