Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize