I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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