Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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