"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The adults are the big ones right?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
