just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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