It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
In other news, I just burned my penis
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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