He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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