Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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