can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize