I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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