No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
