he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize