He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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