Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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